Hidden Beauty
A One-Act Play
by
T. J. Robertson
Smashwords Edition
Hidden Beauty
Copyright © 2010 by T. J. Robertson
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Hidden Beauty
Cast of Characters
Irene Roberts: Mother--talkative, opinionated, and devoted to her family
Bill Roberts: Father--the strong silent type
Tom: Teenage Son--impulsive, witty, and quick on the retort
Cindy: Teenage Daughter--bright, perceptive, and tolerant of everyone except her brother, Tom
Jane: Older Daughter--a kind-hearted, plain-looking, overweight thirty-year old who feels her biological clock is ticking away and is searching frantically for a soul-mate
Dr. I. M. Quirky: Psychiatrist--eccentric and bumbling
John Porter: Policeman--bumptious and ever sleuthing
Sagittarius Archer: Member of the International Shafters, an archery club--pompous and querulous
Tiger Tully: Wrestler--simple and plainspoken
Scene One
The living room of the Roberts' home
Time
The present
Act One
Scene One
Setting: The living room of a second-floor apartment near the center of town someplace in the United States on a summer morning
At Rise: Mr. and Mrs. Roberts are sitting on a sofa in the middle of their living room. To their left, lounging on an armchair and leafing through a magazine, is their teenage son, Tom. To their right, seated in front of a computer screen, is their teenage daughter, Cindy. Although the children may seem distracted, appearances can be deceiving; for they are actively involved in the on-going conversation. On the right wall is a door, leading outside; on the left one is another door that leads to the rest of the apartment. Behind the sofa is a window.
Mother
(to her husband)
I'm afraid our Jane will never be getting married.
Father
I've tried everything. Frankly, I don't know what else to do. I even sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club.
Tom
Yes, and the next week they went out of business.
Mother
She never did photograph well.
Father
Even that computer-dating service couldn't find her a date.
Tom
Oh, you mean Make a Date and Seal Your Fate?
Father
That's the one.
Mother
The nerve of that outfit saying they couldn't match her up with any living member of the human race.
Cindy
When you threatened to sue them, didn't they finally come up with one possibility?
Mother
(indignantly)
Some hippie-looking fellow.
Tom
That was no hippie, it was Bigfoot.
Mother
Tom, this is no laughing matter.
Father
Whatever happened to that athlete she was interested in?
Cindy
Duncan Hoops?
Father
Didn't he play basketball?
Tom
No. Ping-Pong.
Mother
Ping-Pong? Wasn't he that nice Chinese man who owned that restaurant in Ball Square?
Tom
Ah Choo’s.
Mother
God bless you.
Father
Irene, Ah Choo’s was the name of Mr. Pong's restaurant.
Mother
Oh, yes, now I remember.
Cindy
And Ping-Pong's a game, mom. Another name for it is table tennis.
Mother
(with a shrug)
Whatever.
Tom
She had to go and ruin any chance she might've had with Duncan.
Cindy
It was an accident. They were only playing a game of table tennis.
Tom
All I know is that on one of her serves she hit him in the head with a Ping-Pong ball and he suffered a severe concussion.
Cindy
He was never the same afterwards.
Mother
He couldn’t even remember her name.
Tom
Couldn’t or wouldn’t?
Cindy
All I know is that, dressed in a toga and carrying a lantern, he does nothing now but travel throughout the country looking for an honest politician. Even as we speak, he's in the capital, scouring the halls of Congress.
Mother
He sure as heck won't find one there.
Cindy
It's an endangered species in that place.
Tom
Endangered? It's extinct.
Cindy
Mom, you and dad have tried your best to help her.
Tom
You even looked overseas for possible husbands for her.
Cindy
Yes, you brought Denny Desperito here from--from--
(tapping the side of her face to try to remember)
Tom
(coming to her aid)
Titicaca.
Mother
Watch your mouth, Tom. I know you didn't like the man but that's no excuse for using foul language.
Father
Irene, Tom's not swearing. What he's trying to say is that Denny came from a village near Lake Titicaca in South America.
Mother
Whatever. All I know is that you went to a lot of expense to set him up in his own business.
Father
Unfortunately he didn't have a good head for business.
Mother
What do you call those things he was going to build?
Cindy
Igloos.
Tom
And in Florida of all places.
Father
It was all a waste of time. He got off the ship, took one look at your sister, and jumped off the dock.
Tom
He's probably still swimming.
Mother
Don’t be silly. The Coast Guard picked him up ten miles off shore.
Tom
Maybe you and dad should've tried an interlunar, interplanetary search.
Cindy
Oh, Tom, can't you ever be serious?
Tom
Hey, I'm only trying to be helpful.
(holding up his magazine)
It says right here that you never can tell what might be out there.
Cindy
Sure, she's plain-looking and a little overweight but she has so many good qualities if only the guys would look deep enough.
Tom
Nothing will look that deep.
Mother
Tom, stop being mean. For your information your sister is a warm, loving, and caring human being with a big heart.
Tom
Anyone her size has to have a big heart.
Cindy
Tom, you're hopeless.
Father
Apparently, Irene, you didn't care for Ben Downe.
Mother
No, I didn't. When I heard he was a phil--phil--philanderer, I forbid her to go out with him.
Cindy
Mom, he was a philatelist, not a philanderer. A philatelist is a stamp collector.
Mother
All I know is that he was collecting a lot more than stamps.
Cindy
I think you liked Peter, the airplane mechanic, best of all.
Mother
At the time I did.
Father
He was a handy fellow who could repair about anything.
Mother
Anything but a broken heart.
Cindy
And break her heart he did.
Tom
Dad, you even helped him to buy his own airplane.
Father
Unfortunately that became his first love.
Cindy
His toolbox was his second.
Tom
I wonder if Jane placed in his top ten.
Cindy
But to have disappeared the day of their wedding!
Mother
It sure was embarrassing.
Cindy
He took off and landed in the first country he came upon, seeking political asylum.
Father
The British Virgin Islands, of all places.
Tom
I bet Dr. Freud would find some significance in that.
Mother
Dr. Fraud? Wasn’t he the surgeon who removed my brain--I mean spleen?
Cindy
No, mom, it’s Dr. Freud, not Dr. Fraud. He was a famous psychoanalyst.
Mother
A psycho who’s famous! What’s this world coming to?
(The screeching sound of automobile brakes is heard on the street below. Tom gets up and looks out the window.)
Tom
A man's been hit by a car.
Mother
Did you say a man?
Tom
Yes. Apparently he's okay because he's getting up and moving around.
Cindy
(rising and going to the window)
Mom, if you're thinking what I think you are, I'd say he might be a little old for Jane.
Mother
You know your sister's never been fussy when it comes to men.
Tom
If he has a pulse, she'll take him.
Mother
Tom!
Tom
I'm going down there and see what's going on.
Cindy
I'll join you.
(They exit.)
Mother
Bill, I'm worried about Jane. Never have I seen her so nervous and irritable. At night she's been having strange dreams and waking up in a cold sweat. It's not like her to be this way.
Father
I'm doing everything I can to help her.
Mother
I hope that sick--sick--a--trist--eh--whatever his name is--can help her.
Father
He's a psychiatrist and his name's Dr. I. M. Quirky.
Mother
That's strange.
Father
What are you talking about?
Mother
Him using just his first and middle initials. What do you think they stand for?
Father
(smiling)
Intelligent Man Quirky, I'm hoping.
Mother
Not Incompetent Man Quirky, I pray.
Father
Now, Irene. let's think positively.
Mother
Yes, you're right; I'll try.
(with a sigh)
I just hope he can set her straight.
(Tom and Cindy reenter and appear nervous.)
Father
How badly was he hurt?
Cindy
(nervously)
Eh--eh--he's dead.
Mother
Tom, I thought you said he was up and walking around.
Tom
(fidgeting)
For a while he was.